Sri Saradamma
Many people who come here think that Swamy can dispense realization to anyone he chooses. After my realization several devotees were angry with him because they felt that since they had been devotees for much longer than I had, they should have been given realization first. One man who built a thatched hut here even complained to Swamy; he asked him to adopt his daughter and give her Self-realization as well. Even when I tell such people that realization must be earned and cannot be dispensed like sweets, still they do not believe me.
When devotees say "I surrender" or "I want Self-realization", they may think that this is what they want, but deep down, at an unconscious level, their ego wants to continue indefinitely. When they sit with Swamy in darshan and their minds start to sink into the Heart, they panic, and their minds are gripped with fear of their own extinction. I can see this fear in devotee's eyes and I sometimes notice that they have problems with breathing as well. The breaths come in short spasmodic gasps, and only when the mind rises again does the breathing resume its normal rhythm. Devotees may think that they want realization, but their minds are not ready enough or pure enough to stand the shock. People ask for grace to realize the Self, but the grace of the Guru is given in measured quantities, and the quantity never exceeds the devotee's capacity to assimilate it.
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